By Staff
Tracy B. Cieniewicz, Hartselle Enquirer
Jill Copeland, the Enquirer's wonderful and talented production manager, is only one of many vegetarians that I call friend.
While Jill still agrees to eat pond- raised catfish and various other aquatic creatures, I have known vegetarians who wouldn't even stir-fry their soybeans in a pan that had ever been used to sear a sirloin.
Those are the hardcore vegetarians, otherwise know as vegans. The only eat plant products.
Got milk? Not a vegan. No chocolate milk, ice cream, cheese, or any other dairy delight for these folks.
Everybody loves Jell-O? Not a vegan. Apparently Bill Cosby forgot to tell everyone else that Jell-O gelatin, and all other gelatin products for that matter, reach their gelatinous state through animal cartilage.
Raise your hand if you're Sure? Not a vegan. The vegan mindset sometimes goes beyond human consumption and even affects what they put on, not just in, their bodies.
Vegans bypass conventional soaps and deodorants that use animal products to make us smell better for good old-fashioned glycerin soap and baking soda.
Fancy Feast, Darling? Not a vegan's cat. They get to eat yummy rice cat food and are never given little stuffed mice to play with-that might encourage them to catch and eat an actual mouse.
At any rate, vegans and most vegetarians go to great lengths to scoff at those of us who still elect to use the canines and molars God gave us to rip and grind meat.
"That's gross."
"How do you eat that?"
"Do you realize what you're eating used to be alive?"
Well, so did that piece of spinach that you're eating, but I'm not bugging you about the logistics of it. Just eat your weeds and leave me to my king's cut of rare prime rib.
After careful study of grocery store freezer cases during the past year or so, I have discovered an alarming amount of valuable real-meat storage space being occupied by fake meat.
Tofu turkeys, Bocca burgers, soy corn dogs, and meatless ribs are just a few of the hypocritical concoctions manufacturers are producing for people who are vehemently opposed to the idea of meat.
A vegetarian with a meatless rib is like a non-smoker with a lit cigar. You haven't really kicked the habit if you're substituting what you really want for what you will allow yourself to have.
I recently expressed my fake meat concerns to resident vegetarian, Jill. She said I am obviously offended by meatless meat products.
Offended is a strong word.
Men who call me "Honey" instead of "Ma'am" offend me. Medical insurance that won't cover birth control, but will cover Viagra, offends me.
Fake meat doesn't offend me-it just annoys me.
Maybe, in return, I'll make some fake vegetables and tofu out of meat just to annoy and confuse the vegetarians.